The snow in Syracuse has afforded extra reading time these days. And with it comes my favorite maladjusted pastime, ‘occasions for contemplation.’ That’s right, ‘OFC,’ which, when it clicks in, time seems insignificant and my mind floats in and out of existential reality. My OFC seems to be always packed with people issues. Like why can’t my teenage children act like thirty and spend money like they are five? Or why is my wife from Venus when clearly my Dad wanted me to marry someone from Mars? 

Days when I am more focused and grounded my OFC gets me beyond the fate-filled academic concept: “Man's progress is but a gradual discovery, and has no meaning.” On those days my OFC sometimes asks me questions that might not add meaning to the universe but have a shot at helping me with my day.  

On Valentine’s Day 2007 we received 37” of snow - Mother Nature’s gift that keeps on giving. Anyway, I was www.surfing trying to find a florist who delivered by snowmobile and came across a website that reminded me of the single biggest comment professional people always have, “My employees are killing me!”

I soon OFC’d a perfect ‘stepford’ world where new employees caught on quickly, sales associates sold, managers managed and no one ever called in sick. It is a world where deserving people take vacations without worry.

It was great but I woke up with an overpowering thought - I, also, anyway! Couldn’t get it out of my head and soon realized that it meant good employees are sown from good managers and good leadership started with me and so on and so on.  Knowing that this is a righteous thought in my land of would-be entertainment academics and film purist acquaintances, I surfed onward in hopes of finding a solution to some of my new employee troubles. Here are a few tips picked up along the way with OFC enriched comments.   

About.com had an article entitled “Tips for a Better New Employee Orientation,” It was advocating the use of action items to advance new employee training. It said, “Create a list of action items for new hires that will help employees feel welcome, understand the role of co-workers and integrate them into the organization.”

Now that makes sense to me.  So let’s see, this week I’ll have Sarah, our newest hire that seems a bit shy, write a synopsis for each of the “for some reason great” film titles that I have a shot of making money with. You know, the ones hard to discuss in mixed crowds without a little bourbon.  Then I’ll call on her at our bi-weekly associate meeting to share some of her most exotic prose in an effort to integrate her into the world of film diversity. 

This experience may integrate Sarah but not completely. So on to the next article entitled “Boost your recognition efforts by setting weekly goals.” (I love goals, they are so, so ambitious!) Here is what consultant Nelson Scott who clearly has too much time on his hands says we should do. • Write two thank-you notes a day. • Stop by to ask team members about their work. • Greet the team on Monday morning with a list of what they achieved last week. • Each week, assess how well you’ve done. If you met most of your targets, pat yourself on the back or treat yourself to a small reward.

What a great idea.  I’ll ply Sarah; I mean recognize her contribution with kindness, maybe a few thank-you notes just to her. I’ll greet her on Mondays with treats like popcorn and out dated frou-frou candy from the dollar store then ease into a passive-aggressive diatribe of last weeks accomplishment then, the best part, reward me for a job well done with a vacation.

An article called “Playing Santa,” on australiandoctor.com.au had a good idea. It advocated offering year-round staff motivation by eliminating year-end bonuses. They say, instead, reward teammates on their birthdays. It’s more personal, and team members will find it harder to compare the size of their bonuses.

I like this one because it’s not only nice but who doesn’t want a little more attention on their birthday? Moreover it spreads bonuses throughout the year. Great for cash flow! Maybe some secret admirer will get me those fashion sunglasses I was looking at last week? Better yet, I think for my birthday my bonus will be… a vacation!

The internet even had a plan if Sarah doesn’t respond to my motivational techniques. I don’t know who The Human Capital Institute is nor am I singing their praises but I saw something interesting. It said, “Recruitment experts predicted that 2006 would be a year of rampant turnover, some suggest as high as 65% of the workforce.” It was adapted from a piece of writing called “A Looming Turnover Crisis.”

The essence of the article was that every crisis presents opportunity. In this regard, if many new people are looking for new jobs, it may be the time for “top grading,” which involves letting poorer performers go and replacing them with top talent.

Finally, panacea! “I, also, anyway” does have meaning.  In fact, it is right on the money, it really works. So, I’ll can that unappreciative Sarah and hire somebody really good who doesn’t need all this attention! Then… maybe I can go on vacation without worrying about my employees?